He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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