I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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