i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
