when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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