You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
