i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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