i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
