her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize