I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
