It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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