At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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