i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
