oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
where are you?
Hypothermia
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
