respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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