youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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