I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
