i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Someone signed my nipple.
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