There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
