My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
