i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
