Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
