it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
