By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
