there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
