is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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