I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
