Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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