Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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