I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
