actually, I'm a sock model
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
