listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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