I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
