my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I did not marry a roomba.
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