got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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