I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
