three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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