I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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