I am puke
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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