that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
