I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
