i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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