when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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