I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I won the penis lottery.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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