oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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