I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
