when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
