I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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