He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
