My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I looked at my own cervix.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
