i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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